Saint DOM from Lebanon

by Andrea boggs

DOM was a multi-millionaire and despite his wealth and his analytical mind he was finding it harder and harder to acquire the interest of any of the decent women in his city. It seemed that all of the women he knew hated him. His model girlfriend discovered the necessity of having a black or Asian boyfriend to take her out to dinner. DOM was not the type of man to feed his bride before he fucked her.

"I'm craving some grilled octopus," said the stunning woman in the shower.

"I'm not taking you to that place with the $22 entrees and $14 glasses of wine," said DOM. She never answered his texts after that.

***

DOM's parents met when they were running from the pogrom in India. They settled in Armenia, then Russia. They finally landed in the United States. DOM learned to spit at cops and his sister became a nurse.
DOM's first big business was catering. He hired some cooks and some sommeliers. Next thing you know they had a contract cooking dinner for the Sheriff's Department's Christmas banquet. It turns out that your supposed to use a thermometer to cook chicken. While DOM was running to Target in the middle of the event to buy more forks his staffers served raw chicken to the sheriff's deputies. It was quite embarrassing for the lead sheriff, who had to personally arrange for the chicken to be returned to the oven.

DOM was a highly attractive man with middle eastern features and a clean shaven face that acquired a 5 o'clock shadow by the time he met his dates in the evening at the wine bar. He even wore red shoes from Foot Locker. All DOM wanted to be was a successful business owner. He didn't care if it was renting U-Haul trucks or smoking beef jerkey. DOM was never comfortable doing any type of illegal work which is why he refused to pay prostitutes. He had spent his entire adult life patronizing the likes of the hookers on Backpage.com and yet he was completely oblivious to the concept of getting beaten up by a pimp. So far he had narrowly escaped this situation unknowingly.

One day Saint DOM was driving past the courthouse when he noticed that the orthodontist's office, the travel agency, and the shoemaker's shop had all become bail bonds agencies.

Although DOM was a mutli-millionaire, he preferred to take his dates to roach motels it was more sexy to him. His dates often complained that the rooms were dirty. On a few occasions they were actually so uninhabitable even DOM was grossed out.

DOM liked to tell people what narcissists they were. He claimed it had to do with them not being loved by their parents as a toddler.

***

One day DOM came home from a catering job and started taking shots of whiskey.
He needed a beer chaser but he was feeling too warm and fuzzy to get behind the wheel. So DOM set out on foot to the nearest liquor store that was open at midnight: 7/11. He had to be careful crossing the street, because aside from being moderately intoxicated, people drove around the embankment traveling 300 mph. DOM didn’t want to be seen walking the streets at night or any hour, it was not the behavior of a successful business leader, so he took his marketing skills and walked a different route through the hills right past a buzzing utility easement in the moonlight. When he arrived at 7/11, there were 2 black men hanging out by the cash register placating with the young misfit employee. DOM could smell
the crack on their breath. He didn’t want any trouble with the crackheads so he ordered a Big bite hot dog. He spooned relish on it and ate it inside the store. Dropping relish from his mouth over the salad bar counter, as if it was his own plate. When he was finished he paid for the empty hot dog box and got 2 bottles of Arrogant Bastard Ale, delicious IPA. While he was admiring the path of the tumbleweeds in the starlight, he got a call from one of his B-grade lovers.
“Hi baby.”
“Hey how are you.”
“Fine.”
“Whatcha doin?”
“Just walkin’”
“Can I come over?”
“Yeah sure. I’ll be home in about 20 minutes.”
“Okay see ya in a bit.”
“Yep.”
DOM had to cut back through the ethnic suburbs to get back to his house. As he walked along the blue sidewalk he suddenly came across a large rodent, or some relative of the cat or dog family. It’s tail was flared up and out, covering it’s backside like a peacock’s feathers. He could see the street light through its feathers. It was about the size of a long haired cat, but very aggressive and backing away from DOM. It was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. “Here, kitty kitty,” said DOM approaching the threatened skunk. Suddenly the skunk whirled around and sprayed DOM. “Aghh!” screamed DOM. The force of the smell was so strong he thought he was going to asphyxiate. DOM started to writhe around in pain. “Help me!” he screamed. The skunk ran off. DOM took off his shirt turned it inside out and covered his face while kneeling in the street. A car with tinted windows drove past slowly and DOM thought it was going to be a drive by shooting. He hid behind the wheel of a parked car, sucking air for his life. “What happened to you?” said the girl sitting in her car in front of his house.
“I was attacked,” said DOM, shirtless and drinking from an open container. “Give me a kiss.”
“You stink - Oh my goodness you got sprayed by a skunk!”
Had the animal not been so aggressive, DOM would have liked one as a pet. It was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen.

***

Dom teaches himself math, rips off his employees

DOM was paid $22.00 per server by the client, but he paid the servers $8.00 per hour. DOM taught himself to do math from a college algebra textbook. His favorite example was about operating a donut shop in a mall.

He learned words like inequality.

In the donut shop example, you have to pay the employees a minimum wage, and it costs the business owner a certain amount of money to produce a dozen donuts plus a fixed costs for the utilities and he sells between x and y number dozen donuts in a day. How many dozens of donuts do you need to sell to break even every day?

Like every great catering operation DOM's first company would crash and burn in a class action lawsuit in which he had to reimburse his employees for gas money and carpooling and he lost most of his clients in the aftermath.

***

Private investigator

Sean was a private investigator. This dangerous individual was the closest thing to a friend DOM had. He was the kind of man who made DOM look like an angel, though they were equally arrogant. This cyber spy had worked for government intelligence agencies as well as the website Craigslist. Sean spoke with a British accent. Together they harrassed women.

DOM texted Sean.

Hi Sean. This is Dominic. Can you call me tonight? Thanks.

Sean texted back immediately.

Hi Dom. Will call you tonight.

Several hours later Sean called DOM.

"Hi Sean, how are you?"

"Great how have you been?"

"Fine, work is going great."

"That's good. Same here."

"What can I do for you?"

"Remember that woman I was dating?"

"The slutty one who stole your money?" DOM had spread enough rumors about Quinn. It pained him to hear someone speak badly of her. He flinched at the word money. Who cares about fucking money thought DOM.

"Yes," DOM said weakly. "I need you to run an IP address on her. Can you get into her email? I want to know who she has been texting calling e-mailing."

Sean was silent.
"I think she is cheating on me. Hello?"

"Dominic."

"Yea?"

"We have already proven that she has cheated on you. We found that guy's phone number remember? I even impersonated him in email and set up a date with her."

"She is always cheating," said DOM.

"DOM you need to stop seeing that woman. You need to end all contact with her."

"I know."

"Didn't she confess already? Like multiple times?"

DOM didn't answer.

"I will see what I can find."

***

The private investigator

"Who the fuck is Jonathan?" asked DOM.

Quinn was paralyzed by his voice. DOM could give a woman a heart attack even when he wasn't angry. He caused longing in the women who loved him. They all wanted to marry him. The ones who got the chance to be intimate with him found that he was impossible. His behavior alternated between extremes. Lethargic immobile horizontal. Vertical strident executing. Quinn knew a secret about DOM. He was weirdly never romantic. So many women wanted him, wanted to be her, the lucky lady who got to screw him. But they had no idea what he was really like.

"Everyone lies sometimes," said Quinn's grandmother. The gentleman sent mixed signals to her granddaughter on a daily basis.

"If he is too cheap to take you out then you should leave him. There's lots of fish in the sea," she said. Quinn's heart sank. He was not cheap. And there were no fish in the sea like DOM. She loved him so terribly.

***